I'm Not Buying it
by forehead slapper
Summary: The Inuyasha gang gets pestered by unwanted telemarketers. towards the end of ALMOST every phone conversation things get switch around and there the ones doing the pestering.
1. Kagome

PTM meaning pesky telemarketers. I'll be using that instead of coming up with a bunch of names because I'm lazy.

Ring ring ring

"Hello Kagome seeking"

"Hello Kagome!this is PTM can I ask you something"

"Sure!"

"Do you own a dog?"

"..."

Kagome puts her hand over the phone.

"Hey Songo where is Inuyasha?"

"He left about an hour ago I think he went fishing. Why?"

"O no reason"

Kagome tacks her hand away.

"Yes I have a dog"

"Are having problems with basic obedience or advanced training techniques"

"YES!"

"Well, you are not alone. In fact, thousands of pet owners just like you experience these problems daily. Whether you're trying to stop dangerous activities like chasing cars or want to establish good behavior in public places such as parks our remote training collars will safely and effectively combat these problems. "

(pause for laughter)

"...'remote training collars'"

"Yes the remote control allows you to instantly correct or reward behaviors in your pet. This instantaneous feedback allows your pet to learn at exponential rates and quickly leads to better communication and a better relationship between you and your pet. "

"..."

"Electronic dog training collars are useful tools that do no harm your pet. The electric volt submitted by these collars is nothing more then an irritant similar to static electricity. The dog shock collars' effectiveness is based on your pet being startled not on administering pain."

"Sorry not interested"

"But how else are you gonna control your dong there is just no better way to do it. The technology behind these electronic dog-training collars is cutting edge"

"I'm sure there great but I have something better. And it's Free doesn't cost me a thing"

"That's ridicules what could be better than one of are collars?"

"There called beads of subduction. I don't even need a remote of it."

"No remote! Then how do you-?"

"I just say 'sit' and pow no more doggy problems"

"..."

"It doesn't even use electricity. Perfect for those going green people"

"OK OK your very funny. Now if you buy one of are collars now you can save up to 20% and the shipping is free"

"I tolled you already I'm not interested. With the beads of subduction I can get my dog to do any thing."

"Your really making a mistake here"

"He especially likes to kill things"

"..."

"Things that are annoying"

"..."

"And things that annoy me"

"..."

"I have a tracing devise which shall soon tell me where it is you are calling from"

"..."

"My dog is also very fast and if you try to run away can track you down by your sent"

"...click..."

"Hello you still there?"

AAAAAAAAaaaand safe!


	2. Kikyo

Ring ring ring

"Hello this is Kikyo"

"Hello Kikyo this is PTM did you know that over 250 people die in a car accident each day. Disaster can strike at any moment which is why it is never too early to buy life insurance"

(pause for laughter)

"How about too late. Can it be too late?"

"Well if your all ready dead then yeah it's too late. Which is why you should buy it now before then"

"Well then I believe it is too late for me"

"Wha- it can't be too late for you."

"..."

"OMYGOSS ARE YOU DIEING RIGHT NOW?"

"No not really"

"What do you mean not really?"

"..."

"How can it be too late for you to buy life insurance? Are you broke or something"

"Yes I have no money but that isn't why it is to late for me"

"Your kinda creeping me out here"

"..."

"Why is it too late for you"

"because I'm all ready dead"

"..."

"..."

"Ha ha your very funny. Now let me tell just how affordable this insurance can be"

"I told you it is too late for me to buy"

"Will you quit playing around already"

"I'm not it is the truth. I em already dead"

"OK then if your already dead how can you be talking to me now?"

"I was brought back to life by the demon Urasue. She used my asses and grave soil and made me a body. She even forced my soul out of my reincarnation then it interred the body made of clay. But this body doesn't function well. So I must gather the souls of young women and and use them to keep me moving."

"... OK that story was actually pretty believable. Now lets refocus on life insurance. for just-

"Your voice tells me that your are a young woman"

"..."

"I have a tracing devise which shall soon tell me where it is you are calling from"

"..."

"I do love the worm feeling I get when a woman's soul enters my body"

"...click..."

"You still there?"

AAAAAAAAaaaand safe!


	3. Kagra

Ring ring ring

"Hello this is Kagra"

"Hello Kagra I'm PTM from Heat Killer's cooling and heating services and I would like to tell you about are air conditioning"

(Pas for laughter)

"Air conditioning?"

"Yes! With more than five thousand comfort system installations and 14,000 service calls under our belt, our competency, proficiency and skill count. Heat Killer is proud of our tradition of excellence serving homeowners-"

"Okay so PTM your saying you guys can keep me cool in the hot summer if I give you money?"

"Well yes When you invite Heat Killer into your home we will be on time, courteous and professional. We value your time and your business. Many of our customers look to Heat Killer as their preferred residential cooling service provider. Heat Killer now offers annual maintenance agreements that cover your heating and cooling systems. Ask our technicians about this exciting program and how it can help minimize your plumbing, heating and cooling expense.

"Plumbing?"

"I'm glad you asked about that you see when you use Heat Killer-"

"NO NO NO I want to know what is plumbing?"

"What is Plumbing?"

"Yes What is Plumbing?"

"You don't have plumbing do you?"

"No I don't have plumbing"

"Then it doesn't matter. Now let me tell you that Heat Killer has been in business for over 13 years and has over 26 years of experience and accumulated extensive industry knowledge and competency that ensures your project or service will be done right the first time... guaranteed. Fast, 24-hour emergency service is key if your comfort system unexpectedly breaks down."

"Look her PTM I don't need any of your stooped air conditioning. I already have something better."

"Better? What could keep you cooler then one of are air conditioners?"

"My fan"

"Your. Fan."

"Yes my fan"

"No I think your a little confused here fans altho they are very nice only cool you off about 10% as much as air conditioning dues."

"I sure my fan can beat your air conditioners any day"

"O and how is that?"

"My fan doesn't just keep me cool I can use it to slice and destroy anything I don't like"

"..."

"I can also use it to manipulate the dead"

"..."

"I have a tracing devise which shall soon tell me where it is you are calling from "

"..."

"I really don't like you you know that"

"...click..."


	4. Shippo

Ring ring ring

"Helloooooooooooo Shippo here"

"Hello Shippo this is PTM is there an adult at home that I can please speak to"

"What? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing I'm sure your a very nice little girl but I want to talk to someone a little older please"

"I EM NOT A GIRL"

"..."

"Grrrrrrrrr"

"OK calm down and hand the phone to someone a little more matcher then yourself"

"I'M THE MOST MATCHER ONE HERE"

"..."

InuYasha walks in and sees Shippo yelling into a phone.

"Hey give me that" says InuYasha taking the phone away from the little fox

"Hello who is this"

"O finally. I'm PTM would you be interested in buying bla bla bla bla bla sails people talk

InuYasha gives the phone back to Shippo and Shippo talks the guys ear off until he finally hangs up.


	5. InuYasha

Ring ring ring

"Hello this is InuYasha"

"Hello InuYasha this is PTM. Do you ever have trouble getting to sleep at night?"

"Sometimes"

"Well one of are new and improved beds can fix that"

(Pause for laughter)

"Really?"

"Yes! Now can I ask you what you sleep on now?"

"Usually on the ground or in a tree. Why?"

"Ummmm Uuuuuuuuu? How many hours long have you slept in a tree?"

"O gee. Well there are 365 days in a year times 50 that's..."

"18,250?"

"What?"

"The answer is 18,250"

"O right and 24 hours in a day so that makes..."

"Excuse me Sir but what are you doing?"

"Say that again"

"What are you doing?"

"You asked a question and I'm answering it"

"But what's with all the math?"

"Well I gotta figure out how many hours are in 50 years to answer it"

"Sir are you saying that you've slept for 50 years strait?"

"Yes!"

"How?"

"Well my girl-friend shot me with and arrow and penned me to at tree for-"

"Your girl-friend?"

"Sorry what's that?"

"Your girl-friend shot you with an arrow?"

"Yeah that's right"

"Hey is there something wrong with your hearing?"

"No my hearings fin. why?"

"Well one minuet you hear me fin the next you don't"

"Well that's because my ears are on top of my head instead of on the side."

"Your ears?"

"Yeah! The phone is only so long so I have to move it from my mouth to my ear whenever you start talking and back to my mouth again when I want to talk. So where both talking at the same time I can't hear you."

"Really?"

"Yeah these thing where observably designed by humans"

"H h Humans!"

"We need some kind of system so I know when to move the phone"

"..."

"I know! How about we say over whenever where finished talking"

"..."

"Over"

"...Over and out! Click..."


	6. Miroku

Ring ring ring

"Hello this is Miroku speaking"

"Hello Miroku good to speech to you this is PTM are you aware that my company had just come out with the most amazing vacuum you have ever seen simply amazing super suction power, guaranteed to last a life time, and only 89.99$ I tell ya your never gonna find a deal better then this for a long time I'm sure."

"Ummmm no thanks I don't need any more sucking thingys"

"What you've already got one" Ahhh! but I'm sure yours doesn't even compare to ares. Let me ask you does you vacuum get all the dirt up even the stuff stuck was down deep in the carpet?"

"That and then some"

"'Then some' what do you mean by that?"

"I mean it get's the dirt and the carpet and the furniture and the wall's and the floor it pretty much clears out the hull house."

"What? Where do you keep this vacuum it must be big?"

"It's inside my hand"

"Inside your hand?"

"Yes it's actually a curse placed on my family by Naraku"

"A curse?"

"Yep!"

"Now what good is something that destroys your house? You don't want to destroy it you and to clean it. Now if you buy are vacuum now you'll save-"

"You know what the really interesting this about this cures is?"

"..."

"The really interesting part is that whatever goes into my hand is never seen again"

"..."

"You know that I have a tracking devise that shall soon tell me where it is you are call in from"

"...click..."


	7. Naraku

A/N OK I think you guys have waited long enough for an update.

Ring ring ring!

"Good evening this is Naraku speaking"

"Hello Naraku, this is PTM. Are you in any way dissatisfied with your body?"

"That seems like a very odd way to start a conversation but, yes there is one part of me that I'd like to get rid of."

"And I can help you do just that"

"Reeeeeealy how?"

"With plastic surgery. We have trained professionals that can alter your appearance any way you wish at a low cost and no side effects"

"No thanks I got it covered"

"Got it covered?"

"Yes! I already have the perfect appearance and if I ever get bored with it or it goes out of style I can just change it"

"With surgery?"

"No! With my absorbing ability"

"I... don't quit follow you."

"I can absorber other bodies into mine"

"..."

"Of coarse I only go with the strong ones that can benefit me and then trow whats ever left away"

"..."

"leaving me with an invincible shield that no one can penetrate"

"..."

"And I can trow whatever attacks they trow at me right back at them Whahahahahah. "

"..."

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha...ha...ha..."

"...But sir. I thought you said there was a part of you you'd like to get rid of?"

"Well yes but it's not so much what I look like, it's what's inside that I can't stand"

"And that would be?"

"MY HART *Sound of teeth grinding*

"..."

"You got anything to get rid of that?"

"...click..."

A/N I'm having the hardest time trying to think of a good PTM for Sango. If you have an idea please tell me.


	8. Kanna

Ring ring ring

"Hello you have reached Naraku's castle this is Kanna speaking"

"Hello Kanna this is PTM and I'm calling to tell you about are great deals on security camera's"

"..."

"Every business should have security camera's installed. Tell me what kind of business is 'Naraku's castle'"

"...It's where my master Naraku lives and comes up with his evil schemes to kill people and bring doom and despair to enemies mostly"

"..."

"..."

"If he's got enemies he's definitely going to want to get some security camera's let me tell you about-"

"There is no need for that here."

"What? You already have some?"

"...No, my mirror will show me anything I wish"

"A mirror... O I get it like from snow with 'mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all'"

"No."

"Then what's it do?"

"It sucks out peoples' souls and shows me what I want to see among other things."

"OK your very funny now-you can have someone come over and instal the camera's for you for a little over thirty bucks or you can instal them yourself by-."

"You have a stain on the left side of your shirt."

"..."

"There are letters on you shirt that say "Look I can multitask task! I can talk and annoy you at the same time!"

"How'd you-?"

"You are now getting out of the green chair you where just sitting in."

"..."

"It's no use looking for me over there, Naraku's castle is now where near where you are."

"..."

"My master Naraku doesn't like telemarketers very much since he last talked to one and he would like me to suck out your soul ."

"He What!"

"Would you mind telling me your address?"

"...click..."


	9. Koga

A/N I was playing the game "Brake Out" the other day and one of the levels I played was untitled "Inuyasha hoho" other then that the level had nothing to do with InuYasha.

Ring ring ring...

"Yo, Koga here. What's up?"

"Hello...Koga. I'm calling to tell you about the 'Shoe Shop's new shoes."

"The 'Shoe shop'?"

"Yeah, I don't like the name ether but the merchandise is first rate and very affordable."

"And the merchandise would be?"

"Shoes of course."

"And I would want that because..."

"There the best. You won't regret buying a pair. With all the different kinds of shoes in are store I'm sure we can find one that is just perfect for you and if you come over in the next week we can have a costume pair of the best shoes made for you with a discount of 50%"

"**WHAT?**"

"..."

"You expect me to just waists into your 'shop' and have your fingers roam all over my feet?

"..."

"Your after my jewel shards aren't you?"

"Your what?"

"Don't play dumb with me. The shards of the jewel of four souls in by legs that give me super speed.

"..."

"Are you working for Naraku?"

"...Who?"

"The evil demon that killed more then half my clan."

"..."

"You are aren't you? Your probably one of his ospering"

"...I don't have anyone named Naraku in my family."

"That's because your not exactly family. Your a piece of him that he's extracted form his body along with some sort of evil power.

"..."

"Well you can just tell Naraku that he needs to pick up a few more brain cells before he can ensnare me."

"..."

"Got anything to say for yourself you freak?"

"...I'm not getting pain enough for this job."

"O yeah, well so's your left kidney"

"...click..."


	10. Sesshomaru

A/N I have now turned this fanfiction into a YouTube video! Woop! I titled it "The InuYasha Gang Vs. Telemarketers" and it will be dune in rounds. Round one is InuYasha Vs. Telemarketer Bob. Who should I do next? I haven't figured out how to draw Shippo yet so he's out for now. Whatever just enjoy Chapter 10 for now.

Ring ring ring...

"Hello sorry but the magnificent Lord Sesshomaru can not answer the phone right now and a good thing that is now you won't wast my master's time with your insignificant conversation-"

"Jaken you shouldn't say that give me the phone."

"Go away Rin I'm recording the voice mail. Augh!

"Hello, sorry about that. It's too bad you can't talk to Lord Sesshomaru he's really nice you know so please leave a message and he's be sure to ge-"

"Hello, this is Sesshomaru."

"Hello, was that your daughter I heard on your voice mail she's so cute."

"Rin is not my daughter."

"Is she your sister then. She and that other guy seemed to think very highly of you. Are you single would you like to get together some time?"

"I was in the middle of a battle when you called causing my annoying ring tone to distract me and that little girl you herd nearly got killed. Tell me why you have called and I will decide where or not it is important enough for you to live."

"..."

"Grrrrr"

"Ha ha... would you be interested in hearing about are great deals on cars...?"

"..."

"..."

"You know what? I'd love to get together how about a death match? Where would you like to meet?"

"...click..."


End file.
